is my life worth the chase?

..so its one fine morning where i get to sleep on my own bed after loooong weeks of being off in the faraway land of aliens and stressed out chickens,

and there i was ... comfortably drooling on my ever soft pillows..dreaming about rainbows and butterflies when my phone started buzzing off the crazy tone ive installed recenly..cursing, swearing and almost wishing i could kill the phone i pick it up and guess what its my boss's boss...the first persons voice i hear in my "so called normal morning of fresh Male' air and a husband snoring next to me"!!!! arrrrgh..

bham my world transforms..me handcuffed , standing before the judge as i get questioned about the rates, charges, contracts ..you name it!! and with a mind doing a little bit of snoring i try to answer the questions..and then i hear her talking abt her coming over to my land of stressed out chickens and be the crownless queen for two looong days..by the time she finished not only my mind was screaming "alarms" but all my body organs including the nails and the ungrown hairs in my body were wide awake...


so in one of the few normal morning i get..i dragged myself to the office and locked up my fingers in the keyboards, phone to my ears and with a red bull drink looking at me and asking me to drink it up before it loses its coldness and changes to a funny taste..my normal morning...arrrrrgh

my life has been locked up in this routine chases ..my normal mornings are being tormented by the wheels of Bureaucracy...and i wonder if this is worth it? this fight, the chase, the torment..is swallowing up my life slowly and spitting it out in this small disgusting muddy pieces...

so by the end of my one fine morning of dramas i made up my mind to put away the fight and live my life!! one fine day..i am gonna start living my life !!!

stranger to yourself!

me, myself and i went on a journey to rediscover the inner me..and after countless days of walking, feeding, torturing myself i stay hung up, thirsty and clueless and still stranger to myself. I see thousands of people drinking and dancing ...a person wth no sense of humor making the world go crazy with his joke,...a person who makes the world swirl beneath his feets telling them what a crappy life he has. Do they need couple of drinks to bring themselves out? But what the hell do I need?

So do you really know yourelf? Like me are you clueless? How can you tell if this is the real you or a stranger in your shoes? We change personality everyday depending on who is infront of us. You dont talk to your dad like you talk to your best buddie who calls you all these crazy names...so when do you stop thinking and talking? The minute you start thinking your personality changes..the minute you start judging the stranger creeps in...so me, myself and i turned around and walked away from those people who defeated us.

and today me, myself and i made good friends with the stranger in my shoes!!

to my forbidden apple...

in the midst of the dawn you came through..and i surrendered myself to you
like a star in the dark sky you lit me up and entered me
i crave to caress your face one more time before i die
i long to feel the forbidden apple before i release my last breath

i dont ask you for love, i dont ask you to take me home
i just want you to need me like i need you love

yes...this is me craving for mellow..it took me so long to say i love him and he made me feel like a dirty slut. I am one of those girls who saved her virginity for the man she married..and the i met mellow and my life changed. He became my forbidden apple that i tasted one night and now every night i sleep longing for his touch.

I told him i will never call him but then i call him again..i am crazy i know..and i still feel like the dirty mistress in disguise..i know he will never want me but i really need him to be there. I dont expect anything from him just for him to say that he needs me. It took me 2 years to tell him that i love him and all he said was "OK" ..it took me ages for me to tell him that i wont call him and he said "OK"..it took me so many days to call him back again and i asked him "do you give a shit about me" and he said "he will talk about it later"

so here i am ...back again..feeling like the dirty slut that was his forbidden apple for a night!!

the ant and me

I am stuck on an island and trying to contact civilization and it doesn’t work..it really doesn’t. People tell me I think too much and maybe I do..I think of yesterday and tomorrow..and then I have no clue about today…Yesterday gets in my way and tomorrow just spoils things for me

Today I was watching this ant stuggling..making its way through and suddenly it stops when it sees my florescent green flip flops and turns away. I am definitely not an ant,,I would not stop if I see danger in front of me I would jump in ..take the leap…and then regret..cry my eyes out and keep walking..keep walking towards this endless danger not knowing whether I would survive. I don’t ..i never survive ..i just go on deeper and deeper into the danger and now I am tired of the chase..Tired of taking risks and be dumped. Being humiliated and embarrassed..doesnt people know how much courage it takes to take that leap! But then does people reallee know me! Here they just look at me ..trying to read me through this heap of layers I put around me..they try to find me somehow and give up! Yeah I cant be the ant that’s visible to the world..that ant who allows people to see its journey to stop when it smells danger .. I cant be the ant!

I am frustrated of trying to go back ..trying to bring out my husband from wherever he has gone to…I cant remember the last time he made me feel beautiful..the last time he asked me to go out for a walk or for a dinner …. I crave that..the thought of walking in the rain , get soaked , stop by at thoshigadu and enjoy a bilaigadu (that rhymes eh) I crave for that feeling of being noticed ..being loved! Realleee loved..and he says to accept his as he is which I did..but he is not him anymore! He doesn’t know what I am doing to myself..he cant know what I gave up ..what I want and couldn’t have at all..I am trying here and I need help! I really do to get out of this leap I took ages ago…sometimes I feel I am out of it and then realizes no.. I am just going further down..

Yeah no body reallee knows me ..nobody realee speaks my language! And here I am trying and going down and down!

reversed!!!

Have your life ever reversed back to what was totally opposite from what it used to be five years back? Five years back..do I even remember it when my life was a normal Maldivian life..no hassle..no fuss..no obsession with work. When all I ever required to do was fix computers and then I entered the world of tourism.

I remembered the time when I ran away from crowds and now I am the centre of attention..the person who would go out with this stranger and fascinate them with my stories from Maldivian way of living. The person who could not even start a conversation is now making the art of conversation her own life

I feel trapped in this new transformation which is killing my relationship..which is swallowing my every possible hope of having a normal living.

And today as I told this Japanese girls about what my life had become ..a life of creating this illusion infront of everyone I realized maybe after five years from now it would have taken a different road..so I thought of capturing every day of my life in this blog..me in distress! Yeah me in distress with my pathetic life of trying to make a huge drama out of my everyday life..The dying feeling of so called emotions..the endless path that I have taken which does not have space for my own people…and here I am alone in this room writing away when I could have been lying next to my husband or enjoying a night out with my friends…

Life can turn into a drama just like a blink…and here I am the shy girl who was hidden behind her glasses entertaining people I rarely know! The girl who hated the smell of cigerrette smoking away like it’s just a normal thing! How far I have become and how far is the point where I collapse remain unknown..I feel like this floating balloon that can burst any moment..but when it burst will I drop face down or will there be anyone to catch me at all!! And me the floating balloon float away further away!!!