the ant and me

I am stuck on an island and trying to contact civilization and it doesn’t work..it really doesn’t. People tell me I think too much and maybe I do..I think of yesterday and tomorrow..and then I have no clue about today…Yesterday gets in my way and tomorrow just spoils things for me

Today I was watching this ant stuggling..making its way through and suddenly it stops when it sees my florescent green flip flops and turns away. I am definitely not an ant,,I would not stop if I see danger in front of me I would jump in ..take the leap…and then regret..cry my eyes out and keep walking..keep walking towards this endless danger not knowing whether I would survive. I don’t ..i never survive ..i just go on deeper and deeper into the danger and now I am tired of the chase..Tired of taking risks and be dumped. Being humiliated and embarrassed..doesnt people know how much courage it takes to take that leap! But then does people reallee know me! Here they just look at me ..trying to read me through this heap of layers I put around me..they try to find me somehow and give up! Yeah I cant be the ant that’s visible to the world..that ant who allows people to see its journey to stop when it smells danger .. I cant be the ant!

I am frustrated of trying to go back ..trying to bring out my husband from wherever he has gone to…I cant remember the last time he made me feel beautiful..the last time he asked me to go out for a walk or for a dinner …. I crave that..the thought of walking in the rain , get soaked , stop by at thoshigadu and enjoy a bilaigadu (that rhymes eh) I crave for that feeling of being noticed ..being loved! Realleee loved..and he says to accept his as he is which I did..but he is not him anymore! He doesn’t know what I am doing to myself..he cant know what I gave up ..what I want and couldn’t have at all..I am trying here and I need help! I really do to get out of this leap I took ages ago…sometimes I feel I am out of it and then realizes no.. I am just going further down..

Yeah no body reallee knows me ..nobody realee speaks my language! And here I am trying and going down and down!