I am stuck on an island and trying to contact civilization and it doesn’t work..it really doesn’t. People tell me I think too much and maybe I do..I think of yesterday and tomorrow..and then I have no clue about today…Yesterday gets in my way and tomorrow just spoils things for me
Today I was watching this ant stuggling..making its way through and suddenly it stops when it sees my florescent green flip flops and turns away. I am definitely not an ant,,I would not stop if I see danger in front of me I would jump in ..take the leap…and then regret..cry my eyes out and keep walking..keep walking towards this endless danger not knowing whether I would survive. I don’t ..i never survive ..i just go on deeper and deeper into the danger and now I am tired of the chase..Tired of taking risks and be dumped. Being humiliated and embarrassed..doesnt people know how much courage it takes to take that leap! But then does people reallee know me! Here they just look at me ..trying to read me through this heap of layers I put around me..they try to find me somehow and give up! Yeah I cant be the ant that’s visible to the world..that ant who allows people to see its journey to stop when it smells danger .. I cant be the ant!
I am frustrated of trying to go back ..trying to bring out my husband from wherever he has gone to…I cant remember the last time he made me feel beautiful..the last time he asked me to go out for a walk or for a dinner …. I crave that..the thought of walking in the rain , get soaked , stop by at thoshigadu and enjoy a bilaigadu (that rhymes eh) I crave for that feeling of being noticed ..being loved! Realleee loved..and he says to accept his as he is which I did..but he is not him anymore! He doesn’t know what I am doing to myself..he cant know what I gave up ..what I want and couldn’t have at all..I am trying here and I need help! I really do to get out of this leap I took ages ago…sometimes I feel I am out of it and then realizes no.. I am just going further down..
Yeah no body reallee knows me ..nobody realee speaks my language! And here I am trying and going down and down!
Friday, July 27, 2007
reversed!!!
Have your life ever reversed back to what was totally opposite from what it used to be five years back? Five years back..do I even remember it when my life was a normal Maldivian life..no hassle..no fuss..no obsession with work. When all I ever required to do was fix computers and then I entered the world of tourism.
I remembered the time when I ran away from crowds and now I am the centre of attention..the person who would go out with this stranger and fascinate them with my stories from Maldivian way of living. The person who could not even start a conversation is now making the art of conversation her own life
I feel trapped in this new transformation which is killing my relationship..which is swallowing my every possible hope of having a normal living.
And today as I told this Japanese girls about what my life had become ..a life of creating this illusion infront of everyone I realized maybe after five years from now it would have taken a different road..so I thought of capturing every day of my life in this blog..me in distress! Yeah me in distress with my pathetic life of trying to make a huge drama out of my everyday life..The dying feeling of so called emotions..the endless path that I have taken which does not have space for my own people…and here I am alone in this room writing away when I could have been lying next to my husband or enjoying a night out with my friends…
Life can turn into a drama just like a blink…and here I am the shy girl who was hidden behind her glasses entertaining people I rarely know! The girl who hated the smell of cigerrette smoking away like it’s just a normal thing! How far I have become and how far is the point where I collapse remain unknown..I feel like this floating balloon that can burst any moment..but when it burst will I drop face down or will there be anyone to catch me at all!! And me the floating balloon float away further away!!!
I remembered the time when I ran away from crowds and now I am the centre of attention..the person who would go out with this stranger and fascinate them with my stories from Maldivian way of living. The person who could not even start a conversation is now making the art of conversation her own life
I feel trapped in this new transformation which is killing my relationship..which is swallowing my every possible hope of having a normal living.
And today as I told this Japanese girls about what my life had become ..a life of creating this illusion infront of everyone I realized maybe after five years from now it would have taken a different road..so I thought of capturing every day of my life in this blog..me in distress! Yeah me in distress with my pathetic life of trying to make a huge drama out of my everyday life..The dying feeling of so called emotions..the endless path that I have taken which does not have space for my own people…and here I am alone in this room writing away when I could have been lying next to my husband or enjoying a night out with my friends…
Life can turn into a drama just like a blink…and here I am the shy girl who was hidden behind her glasses entertaining people I rarely know! The girl who hated the smell of cigerrette smoking away like it’s just a normal thing! How far I have become and how far is the point where I collapse remain unknown..I feel like this floating balloon that can burst any moment..but when it burst will I drop face down or will there be anyone to catch me at all!! And me the floating balloon float away further away!!!
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